faux love sequence

I

The majority of the time I am lonely. I have very few friends. The reason for this is that I spread myself too thin. I need to be around people a lot and in an effort to not lose the close friends I have, I tend not to pester them too much with my issues and my need to be around people. As a result I have a huge phone-book full of people I will never ring and a collection of acquaintances that ensures that I will generally see 5 or 6 people I know a day. This is why I believe that it is in my best interests to get a girlfriend and quickly. Being with a girlfriend is a great excuse to spend a considerable portion of your life with people. You stay in, you have them. You go out, you have them and their friends. You do anything else and you can just about guarantee that you will see them very soon. That is what I need, along with the feeling of love and all that as well.

Often at night I dream that I have a lot of friends and a girlfriend. In the morning I say goodbye to them by name, assigning drops of toothpaste foam to each. Then I turn on the tap and they all swirl together and are gone.

II

I forget which charity she worked for, but I met Nikki because of it. She came in to explain a scheme whereby I would send money monthly to a child in a foreign country and then I talked to her and asked for her number. She is one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen and I’m surprised even now that I managed to get my words out. We met up a few days later and soon I was besotted. I kept looking at her and imagining all the places I wanted to kiss her and how good it would feel just to have her in my arms.

It came to me that I needed to say how I felt before she left for home on the train. We’d walked and talked our way around Bath all day, but even so it was difficult to declare my intentions. When I did, she said it was sweet. I think I knew at that moment that a relationship with her was improbable; I just didn’t enjoy the notion.

III

When away from her I try not to think about her. I do this in an attempt not to be pained by her absence. I miss her eyes the most, then her lips, both join in the union of a smile that makes my heart stammer.

Being in love is similar to being depressed. It feels distinctly as though your heart is being squeezed. Then of course with depression it feels as though it is rotting. So that is the difference, because love is precise, it shoots through your heart in one stab. When trying not to think about Nikki I listen to music. I have started listening to ‘Velvet’ by a-Ha. It seems to sum up how I feel for her, which is bad because I get tricked into thinking about her and longing for her.

‘Her skin is like velvet

Her face cut from stone

Her eyes when she's smiling

Will never reach home…

Her touch would be tender

Her lips would be warm

But when we're together

I'm always alone’

I tell myself that I pressed the repeat button by accident.

IV

While exploring Bristol, Nikki and I stumbled on an indoor tropical jungle. We decided that it would be fun to go in and check it out, so in we went and I got some steps ahead of Nikki before I noticed that she had fallen back. I looked back and asked if she was okay and noticed she had a look of sheer dread on her face. I remembered instantly that she had said that she was arachnophobia and there were some tanks ahead of us with spiders in.

To me a spider is an example of Nature’s strange and fascinating variety of creatures. Nikki, a strange and fascinating creature in her own right, looked the weakest I had yet seen her. The whole time I wanted to just hold her and soothe her, but it was early days. So I tried to calm her down and handled the situation with grace and tact.

It may have been strange to take comfort in her reaction to the spider, but then, she had caused dread in me plenty of times, so I thought, in the end, it was only fair for me to see her in such a state. More than anything it harboured the feeling of the an uneasy need to keep her safe, but then, maybe I just thought she was beautiful with her eyes slightly wider and her lips parted to breathe easier.

V

After being told that we were going to be ‘just friends’, I wasn’t in the best of moods. So I grabbed a bottle of white wine and went to the park to drink it. The wine, mixed with the misery at the loss of hope, was bitter. I thought about smashing the bottle and using the broken fragments to gouge chunks of flesh out of my arm, but thought that would be stupid after hurting my fist the night before.

I downed the bottle and went in search of a sweeter wine. I ended up in an over 21 bar and sat by myself for a further two glasses before I walked up to three girls. I bought them a pitcher of Sex On The Beach and then settled into a mindless chatter, while I proceeded to drink most of the pitcher.

I’ve no idea how I got home and cannot recall their names.

VI

At work I think about just being friends with Nikki. It is a strange notion when the feeling is so strong. I train myself to think of other things. When I got the txt from her saying that she wants to ‘just be friends’. My mouth dried instantly. My stomach turned. Tears welled up and then disappeared again. I knew that I was to be friends with her anyway. There was no need to get upset. So I txt back that being friends is ‘FAB’. Only half-meant it. I warmed to the idea when I met her on Sunday and spent the day in the sunshine. My heart thawed to her for a second time and I knew it was possible.

We walked barefoot through the fountain’s pool and got attacked by an ill-mannered child. We each were soaked, but gave as good as we got. The day with her ended as the evening came and the sun dipped below the roofs. I walked barefoot to the train station, where I put on my shoes, after finding the platform I needed. I traveled home in the quite carriage, which was a mistake because it gave me time to think.

VII

Sitting outside a small café with a glass of coke, ice melting quickly in the summer heat, I look at Nikki sitting across from me. The feeling of love hasn’t gone, just changed slightly. Instead of passion I feel a milder caring. I’ve never really had a friend that I felt that for, and I like the feeling intensely. It made me think that maybe friendship is something that would perhaps be the better option in this situation.

Behind her feathered hair, that the sunlight caught and lightened the colour of, flying ants flew about haphazardly. Occasionally they would get caught in her hair and each time came the notion that perhaps I should not pick them out, for fear of it being too intimate an action. I’m not a very touchy-feely person, so it was awkward. I thought about a child’s foot and how tempting it is to stroke the soft sole of their feet between a finger and thumb. I told her about that and she responded that she always felt like ‘chewing on them’.

It was the last time I saw her.

end.